Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
