Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
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