You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
