All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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