Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I love you. Go after that dick
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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