my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
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Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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