I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
