why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
