My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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