Got a toothbrush?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
