apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
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