The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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