The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
