I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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