I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
