Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?