Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.