I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.