I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance