So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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