Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
