the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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