We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
