Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
