you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
