Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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