i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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