Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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