tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
