OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
