A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
