I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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