she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
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4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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