he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.