the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
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Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.