Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
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In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
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Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life