mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
zippers are such a cool invention
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
