You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
