Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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