How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
