Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
