he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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