Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
