I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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