she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I did not marry a roomba.
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