Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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