Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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