I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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