I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
