well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
