I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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