never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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