for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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