And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
