P.S. I can't hear my feet
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
