When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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