life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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