I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
