Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
...so i touched it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
