took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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