Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize