When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
