Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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