put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
