dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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