I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dick very happy bro
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
